Upright Citizen's Brigade Sketch #4

Scene is on an alien spacecraft. There is one alien leader, Zorg, and his two officers, Theton, and Bob. The aliens are large, green and are dressed in silver alien clothes. They have just successfully captured Waylon from Kansas. Waylon dons a mullet beneath his bald eagle trucker hat, a “These Colors Don’t Run” T-shirt, American flag print pants and is drinking a beer from an American flag coozy.

Zorg

Greetings, earthling. My name is Zorg and I am the commanding officer of the third fleet of the eighth division from the planet Squerethe. Have no fear, we are orbiting your planet, undetected by your primitive devices. You will be returned to your home unharmed if you answer all of our questions.

Waylon

All I know is I’m trying to watch the goddamn football playoffs, I go to take a leak and I get sucked right out of my window. You made me pee on the flag. Motions to pants.

Zorg

We apologize for the inconvenience. We have brought you here because you are obviously a great American patriot, citizen, and wealth of knowledge.

Waylon

Goddamn right. You’re looking at a Humboldt county volunteer fire firefighter and the Commissioner of KY Wrestling Night down at the Wagon Wheel.

Zorg

That’s all very impressive. We would mostly like to comb your genius to learn more about your defense capabilities.

Waylon

My uncle Jethro taught me how to put a Full Nelson on somebody’s ass.

Theton

No, no. We want to learn more about the defense capabilities of your human race and the land that you come from. If you fail to answer our questions, you will fall subject to an anal probing.

Waylon

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I tell you what - I ain’t no queer. I think my cousin is, he went to see that Brokedick Mountain the other day. I ain’t seein’ it. I got three words for you – Jean-Claude van Damme. That’s one badass mofo.

Zorg

How about your president, George W. Bush?

Waylon

Love him. ‘Nother badass. Hey aliens check this out. Points to t-shirt. These colors don’t run.

Bob

We have learned that he is a forceful leader, yes, tell us more.

Waylon

Just a good-ole boy. Likes his fishin’, wood choppin’, shootin’ stuff.

Zorg

Our files show that he was born in Connecticut to a rich oil family and attended the prestigious Ivy League schools Yale and Harvard.

Waylon

Don’t mess with Texas.

Zorg

I’m confused.

Bob

Whispers to Zorg and Theton. Maybe we got the wrong guy. We were supposed to get another American genius with a deep knowledge of their governmental practices and procedure. What about that William Buckley?

Zorg

I don’t like his affected accent. And don’t you see that Waylon is a genius? This is all an act to throw us off.

Waylon

Hey aliens, check this out. Pulls out another beer, which he proceeds to “shotgun” by poking a hole in it with a key and then drinking in a couple of gulps.

Zorg

Astounding. Is this part of your normal ritual?

Waylon

Man, I’m just livin’. Grab a morning brew. Pick up some trash. Watch some NASCAR at the Wagon Wheel. Go home, make some babies with my old lady. Livin’.

Theton

Anything else we should know?

Waylon

Well, I’ve never told anybody this – but, seeing how I’m not gonna see you fellas around and you probably ain’t gonna tell any body - I’ve been a writin’ some poetry.

Theton

Well, we…

Waylon:

Bojangles, Bojangles, you were my best friend.

Bojangles, Bojangles, there till the end.

Hound dog, hound dog…

Bob

Stop, stop. I can’t take it anymore. Your words have moved me and I’ve done what I swore an oath never to do. I’ve fallen in love with a prisoner. Inches closer. I’ve probed a lot of anuses in my time, but you, Waylon, you’ve made me see in ways that I could never imagine.

Waylon

I love you too, Bob.

Alien/human make-out party. The End.