Continental Airlines Arena – East Rutherford, New Jersey
Ron Ziegler: Hello and welcome to you all. I see some familiar faces and a few more gray hairs. Woodward. Bernstein. Anyhow, my boss has called you all here to respond to remarks made last week by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. He has a few initial comments and will take your questions after he's finished.
The Devil: I know what you're all thinking: "Why would The Devil come up to Earth for the first time in almost 2,000 years?" Well, first of all, it hasn't been that long. I come up quite a bit in different forms inanimate and not: van Gogh's razor, Bill Buckner's glove, the producers of "America's Next Top Model." I pay close attention to what's going on up here, fight with the man way upstairs about potential prospects, and spend my summers in the Gaza Strip. So, the other day I'm swinging by Celine's show in Vegas and I get a message from Stalin on my Blackberry. It says, "Better to reign in Venezuela than serve in the United States." I know this is code for something, so I give him a call. The news freak that he is, he fills me in on this little speech Chavez gave at the U.N. comparing me to The President of the United States. And, I have to say that, personally, I was offended. I'll take your questions, now. Yeah, Helen.
Helen Thomas: I'm…I'm sorry. Did you say you were offended?
The Devil: Yes, of course I am. I mean we have some things in common. We were raised Christian, we both like to haze newcomers, we both live in the shadows of our predecessors, and, hell, I like war, too. But, if you're going to kill, at least do a good job. Milton wrote, "For what can war, but endless war, still breed?" I like to think he was talking about ineffective war.
Thomas: I don't know what to say. Did you just quote Milton?
The Devil: The best biographer you could ask for.
Thomas: And now you're anti-war?
The Devil: No, no, no. I'm still as evil as they come. And even though the wars that Doctor Doofus is waging are very evil – they were unfounded, preemptive, costly, and violent – I'm just not comfortable with our association anymore. Not to mention oil greed, taxation imbalances, homosexual condemnation, Gitmo, Katrina, wiretapping, Abramoff, Plamegate, immigration…the list goes on, as I'm sure you know. I can't figure him out; he does everything evil so half-heartedly. He has messed up everything he's gotten his hands on and now he's messed up evil, itself.