Upright Citizen's Brigade Sketch #2

Scene is in an office. The boss, Robert, stands at the door and the prospective employee, Jimmy, has just entered.

Robert

I trust your trip went well and that you found us alright, Jimmy. I’m glad you could make it up here.

Jimmy

The snow falls hard and don't you know?

Robert

Yes, well we have some hard winters up here in Caribou. But we don’t let the weather get in the way of being the best stair-makers in the northern half of Maine.

Jimmy

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,

And my spirit is crying for leaving.

Robert

Well…now…that’s quite poetic. What we can offer you – a new place to live; a new place for your family. We have a really tight community up here and I’m sure you’ll fit in nicely. Come on over here and have a seat. Both men move to Robert’s desk. Let me get your resume out, here. Checks resume. Okay, that’s right so how was the levee business in Illinois?

Jimmy

If you're goin' down South

They go no work to do,

If you don't know about Chicago.

Robert

Well, there’s always work to be done here at Heavenly Stairways. We can offer you a weekly paycheck and a nice community to raise your kids in. I just need to know that you’re a hardworking craftsman. Levees are different from stairs.

Jimmy

Every day I work so hard, bringin' home my hard earned pay.

Robert

I believe you – I mean it says here that you used to haul sticks around on your back. I just need you to know that this job can require long hours.

Jummy

Working from seven to eleven every night,

It really makes life a drag, I don't think that's right.

Robert

Well, you may have to work that long when we’re under contract, but you have a family to provide for – don’t you?

Jimmy

Now I got ten children of my own

I got another child on the way that makes eleven.

Robert

Wow, holy moly. I do have one more really important question for you. If I hire you – are you going to continue to talk only in Led Zeppelin lyrics?

Jimmy

In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man,

Now I've reached that age, I've tried to do all those things the best I can.

Robert

Ok, see right there. That one didn’t exactly relate to the question that I asked you. That’s the problem. Led Zeppelin lyrics can’t express every thing that’s going on in your mind. I mean, for Christ’s sakes, the first three albums are pretty much all about women breaking men’s hearts. The only way you’ll be able to use those ones is if your wife breaks up with you.

Jimmy

Didn't take too long 'fore I found out, what people mean my down and out.

Spent my money, took my car, started telling her friends she wants to be a star.

Robert

Not to mention that most of “Presence,” “In Through the Out Door,” and “Coda” are unusable. I mean, those albums were all sub-par.

Jimmy

I wonder if you know what I'm talkin' about.

Robert

Touché. A “Coda” lyric. But, don’t you see? It simply can’t last forever.

Jimmy

The song remains the same.

Robert

I can see that this is going to be harder than I thought. Oh, man…this is hard.

I’ve never told anybody this, but for a time in the mid 1970s, I used to speak only in Yes lyrics. I can’t help the feeling that we’re connected somehow. You’re hired!

Jimmy

I don't know what it is that I like about you, but I like it a lot.

Robert

See yourself - You are the steps you take - You and you - and that's the only way.